"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
