you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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