My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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