I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
