Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
