I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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