They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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