need another drink. this is the easiest way
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
