Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
