Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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