We're like a lot better than the average bears
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize