Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
