fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
