Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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