She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
