You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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