She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
