This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
