She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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