Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
