Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
and you said cock pushups were impossible
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
