On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I have demons in me.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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