One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
