the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
