DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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