they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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