Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
