That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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