I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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