I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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