I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
