the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
