That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize