The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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