I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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