Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
