You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize