Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize