super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
