I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
