guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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