Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
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