If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
