Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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