Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
4 words: hood of his car
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
