If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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