So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
