I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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