My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize