If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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