I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
it's like iHOP with fire
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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