my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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