So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
