Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
