sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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