sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize