I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
