Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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