you mean i was at the winter classic?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
