it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
