You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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