I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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