the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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