I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
