So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
