i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
