Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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