You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
