weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
