I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
