my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
