apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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