in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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