oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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