just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
