3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
