You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
